Hello again

So a while ago, I deleted the entire contents of my blog. It served it's purpose for me, I got out what I had to get out and have worked on those things daily within myself.

I feel like I write things better than I can often speak them. It's not that I have a hard time communicating but more so getting everything out that I meant to get out. I will be laying in bed and remember that I forgot something important to mention to my husband when he called me earlier in the night.

This blog will be about life in general, there may be posts about food, entertainment, projects I'm working on or want to make but most of it this is going to be my release with our struggle with Infertility. IF is often not talked about, most people dealing with it stick to their close friends and family for support (as much as they can give) and message boards or online support some way (because that's where you really find people struggling with the same thing and can understand each other.) It is such an emotional and personal journey. I have felt so many different things along this way so far. Failure as a woman, wife and mother if the biggest hurt I have felt. I can't explain how difficult and painful it is it process that you can't give your husband the child he desires, your body can't do what it was made to do or you simply feel like your body fails every time you do get pregnant. It is heartbreaking for all involved.

I also hope that someone struggling to find information about something they're going through will be able to come across this through a search engine and find an answer. I have spent so much time looking through blogs and sites to find someone who has experienced what I was going through so I could have some sort of idea how things would happen or take place. So I do hope that this provides help for someone looking for something specific as well.

I am a mother to four Angels that I will get to spend eternity with when my maker calls me. As each loss has occurred, I have grieved differently but have realized that God knows how badly I desire a baby and that he is preparing that for me when I die. I will have those 4 babies with me forever. They have changed me and made me stronger. I have realized I've gone through things I could have never imagined and have hurt so bad.

The reason we have kept things quiet and not shared with family and friends along the way is mainly because of me. I feel ashamed that I am not able to give our parents a grandchild and brother's/sister's a niece or nephew and so on. I also find that it's too difficult in those early weeks for me to share that I am pregnant and then have to take it back and explain to everyone, when I don't even have answers myself.

I do have to say, I have met some amazing women along this journey. There are few people that know all the gory details of everything and can still hug and support me. We have shared joy and pain and my life will never be the same because of them. I also have to say that although a lot of the "cloth diaper ladies" aren't experiencing what we're going through, they have been wonderful friends and supporters during the ups and downs of all of this.

It's really an emotional roller coaster day in and out when you are "struggling to conceive." For most people (under 35 and healthy) you aren't put into that category until you have been trying to get pregnant for a full 12 months. Yes, it can take the average couple 12 months to achieve pregnancy. While every month that passes, even before you've hit that year mark it still really sucks that it didn't happen that month. Well, we've hit that year and more.

There are not many days that go by that a women (probably the man too but mainly the woman as it's her body going through most everything) doesn't get reminded that she is struggling to conceive. I definitely fall into this category as this point as we have sought infertility treatment. When you inject yourself with medications, have blood draws and ultrasounds every few days you are continually reminded. It's all a big waiting game....

You start your period
Wait for day 3 for your monitoring appointment (that day finally comes)
Wait all day for your nurse to call you back to advise you
Start injections that night
Wait for day 7 monitoring appointment while continuing injections each night (that day finally comes)
Wait all day for your nurse to call you back to advise of the plan
Wait a few more days
Shoot yourself in the belly a few more times
Go for your final scan and IUI
Go for another IUI the following day
Wait 4 days, go in for blood work
Wait for the nurse to call you back
Wait 12 more days for more blood work
Wait for the nurse to call you back and tell you "you're pregnant" or "I'm sorry, this time didn't work."
Wait for your period to show and.....
Repeat the cycle all over again.

Oh but once you're pregnant, you have to wait even more. Wait for beta's every 2 days for a week or so. Wait for your weekly ultrasound appointment, wait to "graduate" from the RE to the OB. WAIT WAIT WAIT. Seriously, this is not good for the impatient person.

So, because of my medical conditions and loss history we are considered high risk. Last week we had a crazy week of meeting with the RE, Rheumatologist and MFM. I'm meeting with a new OB in mid October and will hopefully be able to get everyone on the same page so that everyone knows "The plan."

So, what exactly is "The plan," you wonder....

Basically the next time I become pregnant I will be followed by the RE until 8-10 weeks. I will receive weekly blood draws and ultrasounds.
I will begin Lovenox at the confirmation of a positive beta (1-2 shots in my belly daily.)
I will be seen by the rheumatologist in the first trimester.
I will see the MFM for a baseline 24 hr urine and blood work at the very beginning of a pregnancy as well.

This is mainly first trimester stuff, as I get further along things will change. There are plenty of other things but I'm not going to get ahead of myself with that stuff right now since it's off in a distance anyways.

I'm sure there is more to add but my brain is starting to turn to mush and I keep thinking about my knitting and how I want to finish a certain part before class tomorrow. Plus, the laundry is calling.